Posted by: dropapebble | July 12, 2010

A summer folly

So, a quick update. I know I haven’t really been on this. I guess I just truly don’t want enough to be some internet megastar with lots of readers. I mean, it’d be really great, especially if I could get them to buy a book I wouldn’t mind publishing some day, but you know.

Anyway.

So, I went for it, I dashed about, let it all be, was upfront, took chances…

and ended up looking silly, a fool, and very sexy at alternate moments. ^__^; No, but really, after all that nonsense, I’m still single. But I suppose the experience was worth it. Actually, I don’t know. It gave me something to do, and I’ve grown from it all. I think I was already in a process of dealing with relationships well, but at least I’ve gone there: I’ve dropped the rock.

You see, you HAVE TO risk relationships to keep them. Think on that one. Be safe and never know. Or how about stay in a comfortable situation for the wrong reasons because it’s familiar and feels right, and NOT because it’s making anyone TRULY content? IN other words, don’t settle, if they’re real friends, if they meant those words (they call them sweet nothings for a reason, so folks!), then they’ll be around. Or maybe you weren’t really as alike or clicking as you originally thought. After all, we tend to rosy up and ignore little things and focus more on what will enable us to like someone more just for the chance and feeling of it.

So that’s that. I’m right where I started, yet maybe I got ahead in the race when I got turned around somewhere. In fact, I’m always game to get back INTO the game…but I don’t mind looking all the tables over for a while before making a choice at where to sit down for the long haul, for that one and only great prize. Hell, I might just stroll around and enjoy myself and see if anyone tugs my at my elbow to tell me to sit just. right. there. 😉

On the other hand, it could be  a lot MORE nonsense, and I’m just tumbling and laughing my way through all the trials or tribulations. Or something like that, I think.

You, my non-existent readers, should definitely give this a try, nothing like saying you were being fearless for a project to give you an excuse to push away any embarrassment (or, duh, fear that stops you!). I mean, you WERE just doing it to ‘experiment’, right, so it’s okay if you looked stupid. You were supposed to for excellent, or sometimes varying, results. 😉

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Posted by: dropapebble | April 26, 2010

4 Months Experiment: Day 13 of 120

I suppose I should have updated earlier, and if I want anyone to be interested, I really should, but I think this is more for myself than to become some sort of internet phenomenon. Ha. Maybe if I sorta chronicle what’s going on, then it will help me when I review the experience later.

Well, be private. Sure. But I think it takes a little bit more bravery to post it. Besides, if no one’s reading this, it’s fine. I don’t plan in getting into politics later, and as for job searching, I don’t think I wrote anything in here that is compromising.

Okay, onto the juicy stuff. A little bit.

You know that guy I was saying I thought was maybe bi/gay? Well, I felt like he was acting as if I still was throwing myself at him (recall that we went out on one date several months ago), and it was annoying and embarrassing. So I sat him down, had a talk, then promptly started saying hi to him but then after that, acting as if he was unimportant and breezed by him (funny thing is this is not the first time I’ve had to do this so circumstances were a bit different, but I’ll refrain from talking about that). Nothing like hostile ignoring, just indifferent, a nice smile to show friendliness.

I still don’t know, but if he is, then he’s at least bi, I think. Either way, it’s like magic. Now he’s not awkward, he’s actually smiling at me (I’ve noticed he doesn’t smile much at school/in class if at all, so that’s why it’s all that more startling when he smiles at me). He’s still being very high school in this way, so perhaps it’s just a fun distraction to make the time go by. I’m okay with that. Because it IS kinda fun. And because since he’s just about casual fun seeing more than one girl (which college guy isn’t like that?), it’s just right. Because I’m holding out for at least a more solid date with someone who wants one, too.

**I’m kinda afraid that he might actually read the above, but then I remember he’s one of five guys I know that doesn’t have a facebook (or at least he says he doesn’t).  And the odds of him finding this particular humble little set of notes is quite low, so up it stays—be brave!***

So, there’s a new fellow. Or not so new. Two, actually. Wow, not doing so bad. All of a sudden my game has skyrocketing since changing my relationship status on FB from single. (Don’t worry, I’m “talking” to more than one guy and everyone is aware, I”m not a sleaze). I mean, for me, anyway, don’t have to snort and say you drop 10 women in one night versus my 4-5 guys in a week.

ALl these guys, no dates yet. Because I’m just sorta getting to know them and seeing where it goes. They’re both nice guys, one I used to know back home, and the other is a new guy I met here in town. I don’t know them that well, but at least I”m giving a chance where normally I’d dismiss it. I can always cut it off. Or they can.

I’m going to see one at a party (oh, the parties I’m suddenly attending to try new things), the other might drive up here to hang out with me. oh, and one more, sorta doesn’t count, I haven’t met him just yet, not for real anyway, so that one’s sorta not there, but could be.

So. I think we don’t like people who are looking because there’s this aura of desperate searching about them. So if you act as if you’re taken (as if you’re safe, you don’t have to worry if this guy doesn’t like you in the end) they’ll feel you’re enough of challenge, and they’ll like your confidence and won’t worry about neediness as much. That’s the theory so far that’s proving pretty true.

This new approach is certainly making me less stressed—accepting rejection (So far just one guy rejecting me, and me rejecting another guy) and taking it slow, feeling it out instead of focusing on one guy and rushing in.

Take my time, and maybe I will notice he’s an asshole before I’ve poured months of ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ time into it. 🙂

Of course this whole thing can blow up in my face at any time, and I’ve certainly been embarrassing myself, but I”d say 80% the guys I’m flirting with are enjoying it, whether or not seriously one doesn’t know, but it’s good practice, it’s not slutty, just conversation, and it opens options up I might not have seen if I hadn’t stepped up. As for the 20% of times it falls flat, well, it’s getting easier and easier to be okay with it.

Peace, and remember if anyone has questions, I write relationship articles, so please post them. Or any suggestions for me, I’d love to hear. Not that anyone’s reading. 😉

Posted by: dropapebble | April 20, 2010

Four Months Experiment

I don’t expect to write on this every day. I have so much homework to do. But real fast:

” I can’t believe it’s already been so many weeks already since I started doing this. I suppose that I never got to blogging about (I really detest blogs. Blogging. the word. ugh.) it on my wordpress. But I thought I’d go over it now.

[NOTE: It was never my intention to harm either myself or others during this period, but it is an occupational hazard due to the nature of the project]

For 4 months, I pledged to just go for it. And to just take as much rejection as I could in stride. If someone you’d normally not say yes to, SAY YES, and see if you like the date. If no, move on.

The point here is to stop the caring that someone decided they knew you enough to reject you after mere impressions. It’s life. Eh. It’s unfair. Keep ‘er goin’, right?

Another condition I set myself is that I would flirt with any guy I thought cute (not, you know, slutty, just actually walk up and talk to them instead of looking at them and thinking, ‘gay or taken’.)

Stop ‘not bothering’, and just do it. They have a gf, they’re gay, whatever. Get embarrassed and learn to live with it! Be okay with it, let it fade out.

That guy you’d not give a chance normally, go ahead (be careful though guys, no one says to go date someone who you get bad vibes from).

It’s not the BAD guy that intrigues, it’s the MYSTERIOUS one. But don’t rely on the mystique forever.

I’ll see how I feel over the whole thing after enough time has gone by. (4 months in total).

I just want to see if an entirely different approach, or opening perspective than I normally employ might help or hinder me. Why not, right?

So far, I’ve been mostly successful, even if I’ve had two awkward experiences during this time. If I get into a relationship, then I do, if not, I don’t. 🙂 It’s been..interesting so far.

Wish me luck, and if you want to read about how it goes, please check out my wordpress:

dropapebble.wordpress.com

It’s under ‘websites’ on my profile in the sidebar on your left, too.

Thanks for reading!

-V.

PS: The point of this ‘project’ which was suggested to me by a professor, is to let go of the rock. Let go of the fear. Learn to get past more quickly and better absorb failure. You want to stop thinking you failed and so do nothing, before you’ve even tried.”

-From my facebook.
I guess I’m writing in bold now. Bloody thing. Anyway. So far, me going on a date with someone I normally wouldn’t didn’t go well at all. Well, actually, I really enjoyed his company. And I think he’s not a bad guy under all that social layering he’s put on. But, things just haven’t sparked, and since it’s possible he’s gay or bi…well, perhaps it’s best I’m not quite his type. I think I’d prefer him as a friend, but then again I don’t even know him very much, so I can’t say this for sure, but either way, he’s decided he knows me enough on first impression to not want to see me again.

I suppose I was insulted at first, but then just because on average I”m rated a 7 on a 1-10 scale, 10 being best, doesn’t mean EVERYONE thinks that—beauty is really about one’s own unique preferences. Guys a good friend of mine think are sexy I’m not too crazy about looks-wise. And also, if he is gay and just is lying about it because he’s private about that sort of thing, then I’m REALLY not his type. ^__^

So either way, it’s suffice to say I’ve embarassed myself thoroughly, but it’s been fun, believe it or not, being something other than staunch and regal about everything. It’s okay to admit I made a mistake and to laugh at myself, as corny as that sounds!
The other failure was this guy who actually asked me out first. And, at first, I was interested. But I got bad vibes from him. I suppose his lack of hygiene (which wasn’t apparent in his appearance at first) and his small crueltys were defininte turn offs. (I’ve since been told maybe he was trying to be funny and impress me. Oh, dear.)

Either way, like a cowardly mofo, I slunk away instead of just being straight out. Normally I’m VERY straight out, blunt, to many’s chagrin. Afterward, one day, I saw him sit next to me. I KNEW he’d seen me but wasn’t going to sit next to me since it had become apparent I was avoiding him. So, I flagged him over and after that I haven’t seen him, but I no longer feel it’s awkward. Now he can pretend convincingly he’s just missing me in the crowd or we’d sit together. Gracefully, we can part. So, it was…an amendment of sorts. I try..heh.
As for who I’m dating now? Well, that’s my business. But I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going (probalby only when it’s rocky!) But for now, nothing new to update!
Adios!

Posted by: dropapebble | April 13, 2010

SHUT THIS THING DOWN

Listen to that.

BANG BANG, MOTHERFUCKER, STREET SLANG.

Is it getting hot in here, or IS JUST ME?

————————–>

On to business.

Dear Life,

I cordially and wholeheartedly accept your declaration of war and counter it with one of my own. I have received preparations for your siege on myself and connecting allied properties, and would like to remind you that I have not changed my mind.

It is not my intention you should continue, nor your right, when it comes to the perpetual badgering of my soul and happiness. I concede that I will likely not win out in the end, and will likely only achieve rather more exciting contentment sprinkled with sorrow rather than blighted happiness, but this I have outlined in my previous letter.

I warmly regard your sentiments as fair in vague sort of way and do not reprimand you personally for this, although the statement that you are indeed, a bitch, is turning out quite true.

However, I hope to wring victories along the road from you and encourage you to counter with what you will. I accept all comers because I must, and until Death ends our struggle, I retain the right to keep getting back up and trying again.

Yours in blood, yours in determined, almost insanely driven love,

-V.

Posted by: dropapebble | February 28, 2010

Protected: This is one of those.

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Posted by: dropapebble | November 8, 2009

Come home..

*eyes closed, leaning on a wall, arms crossed*

Hm.

*mouth opens as if to say something, then closes*

hm.

*eyes open this time, then close, faint smile on lips*

Ah…

*pushes self off wall with leg and starts to meander off, arms hugging self more now*

Nothing.

*shakes head*

Posted by: dropapebble | October 26, 2009

Llamame

If you don’t want to talk, say so.

I understand that.

If you don’t want to see me, say so.

I can understand that, too.

If you don’t want to hear that I love you once in awhile, say so.

I can really get that.

But what I can’t ever seem to get…

 

is you lying to me about all of that because you have some stupid notion I’ll be angry. I’m only angry you keep thinking I’m the type of girl you got to hide that from.

I’m tired, and I don’t even know what you ignoring me even means. If you’re going to do something, then get some balls, and do it already, and stop wasting time.

 

Because apparently yours is too precious to spare for me.

 

And don’t worry, I understand that.

It’s a damn shame with most people (NOT WITH ME), even love and I love you is included in the concept of diminishing marginal utility.

Humans are Overrated. I’ll keep saying that, because you all are ridiculously disappointing, unable to do things that could make you happy in the long run because of selfishness.

And I swear if my bowl doesn’t show up soon in that kitchen, I’m going to start busting down doors. My mother gave me that bowl.

 

Posted by: dropapebble | September 16, 2009

Neglected, a satirical monologue

I should be asleep. But being so exhausted I could sob distracts me beautifully.

Anyway.

So I’m told that it’s okay for guys to not give a damn.

To act like you don’t matter, and nothing that’s making you sick and exhausted matters. Not that I’d go to a guy I’m with for help—that’s a sign of weakness, you can’t seem needy. I mean, appparently they really do love you and mean it when they say they miss you, even though they don’t ever try to see you like they said they would, esp when you make an effort when they want to see you.

But here’s the thing. We are needy. ALl of us. We act like, shit, we got our business to do. And we do. But here’s a reality check. We’re still thinking about them. And wanting them there.

But are they? Apparently they know how to turn it off—their homeboys are enough, you’re just sex…funny thing is, that means if you’re not so great, or out of shape, you’re going to get replaced soon. If they think highly of themselves morally, they’ll lie tell you that you’re beautiful and they love you. You want to give them attention, but then they’ll act like you chafing because that means you’re daring to try to set the time, not them. So they might cheat on you soon because they’ll seek attention elsewhere, but how’s that fair when they set you up to not see them, not hang out with them enough? Sound about right?

Let’s say they do love you. Guess what? It’s on their convenience to act like it, or to mean it. They choose when they have to love you, and how. Sometimes “how” is just saying I love you once in awhile and they figure you should be grateful for that. It doesn’t matter you cry bc they send just a few texts for a whole week, and weeks go by and they still can’t make a single minute of time for you.

ANd if you demand, even a little, that you get treated like a decent human being with feelings and needs like them…you’re nagging.

You should be grateful for what you got, and if they tell you some crap like “You deserve more”, they’re just trying to make you feel special because they know how much we like that illusion.

Experts in broken dreams and illusions, aren’t they?

Don’t you cry, though, girl. Treat ’em right back. IF they’re cold, and if they don’t care, you swallow your tears, and your broken heart, and the self-pity and sense of how pathetic you are and you look down on them.

Look as hot as possible, but only tease them. Torture them. Make them your slave. Tell them anything they want to hear. Tell them that you love them, but when they call, when they desperately want you to just even text one little “Good night”, laugh, turn it on vibrate and ignore them.

Now you’re acting like a boy. Now you’re in control, and you get to give it back. But now you’re also becoming a monster, what’s considered “a normal human being” these days.

So that’s why we deal with it, because we got our pride left, and sinking to their level doesn’t really work. The sad thing is, they’ll likely say they’re a victim, only now caring about how much it hurts because it’s them that’s hurting, not you. And leave you. Then you’ll be broken hearted, and have a box full of issues for the next guy to come along and do the same thing in a different way all over again.

You’re in love. Congrats, and welcome to Hell.

They can’t love like we can, ladies. They don’t know how. They’re too busy being “big, strong man” to let themselves.

As for us…we won’t leave. We love them too much, and if we’re strong women we don’t quit—I mean, why bother when the next one could be even worse, and at best, the same.

-VM

Posted by: dropapebble | August 29, 2009

Dear Dalea: ILY

Dear Dalea,

My girlfriend of 3 months just told me she…well, you know, that “I love you” thing. I mean, I really like her and everything, and didn’t really act crazy when she said it, but now she keeps doing it. THere’s this little pause and I think she wants me to say it back. I said that I wasn’t sure if I felt the same just yet, and she said OK, but it’s starting to drive me a little nuts. I don’t think breaking up with her is what I want to do but she seems to be more hurt all the time with every little thing I say. I feel like she’s another person now and it’s not what I want, all these indirect little things to try to get me to say ILY.

Ugh, what do I do? The girl’s going bipolar on me now. She used to be so cute and fun to be around. Now she’s mopey and it’s almost like she’s nagging me about it.

-Lovejack’d

Dear Lovejack’d,

Right. SO that’s a sticky one. You’re sure you don’t want to leave her, but you also are starting to not be able to stand her because the ILY is standing between you, eh?

I’m sure you’re probably already thinking it, but as you’ve asked me, I gotta just say this: Talk to her. You’re not jacked at all, the older most of us girls get, the more jaded we tend to get, so if she said she loves you, at least do her the courtesy of considering her seriously.

Sit her down and don’t just say, “I’m not ready.” Tell her how you DO feel about her (i know, I know that sterotype you men hate sharing feelings—in this case it’s worth sucking it up). Smile, hug her, and assure her that while you don’t know what will happen, if things work out well enough there’s plenty of time for love to really develop as you already have a good basis of “really liking” her.

If that’s not good enough for her, be careful. ILY should never be rushed and if she’s not being understanding you may want to consider if she was really what you thought.  Needy is never good, especially over time, if what you’re in, or looking for, is a mature, committed relationship. I”m not saying 3 months isn’t enough time, because that depends on the situation and how long or well you knew each other before.

Best of luck,

– Cerca Dalea

Posted by: dropapebble | August 24, 2009

Admit it. The Sea Turns.

Oh, okay, fine.

I do believe him.

It’s only fair: It’s like innocent until proven guilty. So, you know, will be watching for evidence to the contrary.

Haven’t done it in a long time, a leap of faith like this.

Here we go…

————————————– [EDIT]

But let me tell you something, my nonexistent audience. For all my advice giving, and the success at it so far, for my sure tone on the subject, let me really tell you.

You don’t have a f**king clue. You really don’t. I don’t. That really popular blogger who talks about love all the time doesn’t know a goddamn thing either.

You know what’s really weak? Not loving. Not having the balls to just do it, and stop scrambling to repair every tear in the walls you put up, and we all put ’em up after a few dumbasses tear us a new one.

We can guess, we can postulate, we can over-analyze until we’re blue in the face, but ti comes down to this: We can never do better than an educated guess on what you should do in any given different situation that just as easily might be the wrong thing. Some of us can get a better grasp on how to be lucky in figuring out the correct decision than others.

Science of it is just part of it. I don’t really believe it can be broken down into separate little measurable, experiential pieces; not if it’s to keep what it is in its sum. The parts won’t equal its sum.

It’s not about being sentimental here. It’s really just hit me. I have never been left so speechless in my life. And that’s something.

After all my experience, after all the people who could attest to me knowing what the hell I’m doing, and that I have a “smart” head about love, or at least a cautious one…

I don’t know jack. Who cares what you’re going to think if I look like I’ve let it go? That I’m willing to risk that pain again after all these years? That the fear has been outweighed by something else? Why do I waste my time and thoughts on trying to turn what I could get into something small and petty just because it fits some ugly picture of other people? Sure, it very well could be one of those ugliness, too, but it’s not fair to judge before it’s known. Who cares if you think he’s not in my league? I’m not embarrassed of him and if you don’t like it, then sucks to be you. I don’t care anymore if I look stupid in front of my own pride. You see…

The only thing is to DO IT. Love, for gods’ sakes, people. Go ahead, cry and tell them how you have issues because your heart was broken horrifically. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but it’s all BS. You can be happy. You can also be depressed and heartbroken—one is the possibility of the other. You can just keep not trusting. You can push them all away. Sure. You’ll only be safe from pain when you’re alone, and loneliness breeds a worse sort of swallowing pain.

Love without fear-–sure, there is SOOOO much to fear, so much that could go wrong! Sure! I don’t think I”m better than other people who do love so fearlessly anymore. I’m not saying be reckless and get with an OBVIOUS jerk, but let it go!

Rip that noose of the past off. Get back up when it knocks you down. Let it go. Take a deep breath and close your eyes. You gotta walk blind on this one. Hold your hand out. If you’re lucky, and you might be, someone will take it and help you. Sure, if you fall you look like an idiot..but you’re gonna look like an idiot in a happy way if that hand is holding yours.

I know each of you can be that strong, every timid, every angry, every depressed, every misunderstood person out there. And think of it this way: if you fall, dust yourself off and try again, because if you were strong enough in the first place to try, then you can survive it.

I know you can do it…because if you can…

So can I.

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